Posts Tagged Internal monologue
I was doing this alone. Even though I had a very close friend with me, I was still alone. They didn’t know what was going through my mind. They didn’t get how angry I was. They didn’t know what was to come.
I started to get angry, and started to react. I began to hide more. I stayed in Sydney for a few weeks to just feel the love of my friend. (An amazing person)
When I headed back home I began the process of packing my bags and leaving for good. Closing many doors and turning friends into enemies. I wanted to be rid of that place which meant at the time a complete cut off. Now I realise that wasn’t the way to do things, but then it was my only option (so I thought). I wanted to leave the place that caused me all this grief.
I broke up with the man I started to fall in love with. The same man I had infected. I didn’t want to live with that guilt over my life, even though I didn’t do it intentionally. He was struggling too, and I turned my back on him. I was being selfish but didn’t care at the time.
In a new place (Sydney) I could hide, and start fresh. I didn’t have to explain myself, and was free to just be.
People say we go through many stages when presented grief. I agree now. Sometimes the process is over a short time, sometimes over a long time. Mine is still going. I have been through the denial, anger, and guilt already, now is the time for renewal.
I met a new man. He was wonderful and so caring. We hit it off so well. I thought we may be perfect for each other. After a few months of seeing each other, he disappeared. I was worried and concerned that I may have done something to put him off.
Finally he contacted me, and said everything was okay, that he was just really sick for a few weeks and had a horrible virus. I thought that he should let me help but he assured me he was okay and he would be okay. After a few more days he said the dreaded, ‘We need to talk, please come around now’.
I was scared. What happened? What changed?
When I got to his house he was all teary, and said that he wasn’t sure how to say it, but that his health wasn’t great. I wasn’t expecting what came next.
We were having sex unprotected, but I didn’t pay any attention to this. I had been tested some time before and was clear and all okay, so didn’t think of it.
He said he was diagnosed with HIV, and that I should get tested ASAP. He also said he was tested just before we started seeing each other and he was clean. My world was destroyed. How could this be? I was sure I wasn’t HIV. There’s no way I could be. NO NOT ME! I didn’t have the symptoms and I wasn’t playing around. No he was wrong. He got from some random, not me!
I got angry and stressed. I had to leave, and said I would be in touch. The first thing I did when I left his house was call a very close friend of mine.
I was confused, scared, and completely lost. I told them what happened, and the first thing they said, was we are here no matter what. At this time I was living in Brisbane, and they were in Sydney, so I couldn’t get to them. We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour, while I walked home. It helped.
To this day, I am still in awe of this friend. They have been there through the whole process with, and never judging or changing the way they are with me.
I went home and told my housemate, who is HIV, and he went into instant support mode. The following morning he organised for me to see his doctor to have tests done.
I was still terrified when I went to the doctor. No he was wrong! It’s not me. So after talking with the doctor and getting my bloods done, I went back home.
I started processing all the things that took place in the last 24 hours, and then recalled my ex-partner was diagnosed with HIV before we broke up. It was me…
A few days later I was back at the doctors and had the confirmation that I was HIV. This destroyed me. My friend in Sydney booked me on a plane to come to Sydney that day. I was broke and they paid for everything. That night I was in Sydney being loved by a true friend.
From Sydney I called my new partner and confirmed with him that I was HIV. I had no words to say how bad I felt that I was the one that passed on to him. He was still struggling with it all to, and kept telling me he wasn’t angry with me, because I didn’t know at the time.
So as I start to write this, I’m not sure what to say or where to go. For too long I lived a shielded life which served me well. I grew up in a secluded catholic life (meaning we went to church every Easter and Christmas). I went to catholic schools, not that this meant much.
My life turned to a Christian based focus, when I was about 12. This wasn’t really a choice; it was more of a follow, because mum did it. Over the years I grew more and more into this Christian life. It turned into a very public Christian life over time.
I became a church leader, a bible basher, a true follower of the cross, on the outside anyway. To the church I was a great leader with so much passion for converting the world to Jesus. I believed blindly that all I was doing was right.
I started to believe everything was okay, and that things moved according to a plan.
Problem with this is the fact that I have allowed myself to deny what it is I needed to deal with in my life. For too long I thought I was okay. Yes I was moody often, but it was okay… So I thought.
I started to live a double life. In the privacy of my own home, when no one was looking, I was a completely different person to the one everyone saw, including my family. Isolated and frightened to do anything and express what I was feeling, because I didn’t want to be rejected. A battle in my mind started and I questioned what was wrong with me. Surely this was not normal; there must be something wrong with me.
I guess this is nothing new, or surprising. Today I hear more and more so called Christians who have lived the same way. Back then I thought I was the only one.
My battle was that I had an attraction to men. Yes I had the occasional girlfriend, but it was always awkward, and just not right. The male form in all its rawness seemed right to me, and comfortable. But this was wrong (so I thought), but it didn’t stop me.
Some of my closest friends even questioned me about my sexuality. I had a standard response which gave no indication away. My response was always, ‘I am comfortable with my sexuality’. Today I can laugh at this, and so can the same friends who questioned me way back when.
This is only the beginning of what I hope to put on this blog. A synopsis here is only the start.
So what will I be wanting to achieve with this blog. Not too sure at this stage, but I have been thinking about for some time, and have finally decided to do something about it.
I guess there is a lot of stuff in all aspects of my life, that I keep to myself. I want to voice them now, and allow my life to be exposed and breathe. It’s up to you whether you read it and accept it, or not.
There will be some very revealing things here that only a handful of friends know, and many things that I just need to voice (blog).
Exposure is dangerous, but it’s also liberating. I may gain some new friends, and I may drop some off. Let’s see how is all goes…